Archive | June 2022

Changing My Mood

If you are struggling with all you haven’t done or become yet, you aren’t alone. We can always begin again.

This life is a journey:

Time is flying. I am struggling. It is not with the writing of my book or creation of my online course, or my staying home this summer when I had a glorious 3-month adventure around the country last summer…it is what I make of it all. As soon as I decide to take action on a project I have waited to do forever, I switch into some other kind of mode. As if vacation is over and now I have to “work” with assignments constantly hanging over my head, and pressure from my internal authority figure. Is she a teacher? A critical parent? Is she a disciplinarian wearing a buttoned-up black suit, tight bun, and walking around smacking a ruler into her hand, ready to strike if I let up, breathe, or even stop? It is so weird. I have never had any of these manifestations in my outer life, yet I am driven, and as soon as I begin- their energy shows up from within. The years go by, and I still feel like the school girl in 7th grade at the new, private, all-girl school in which I have to make the honor roll or else. Yes, I want to get these things done. I want to see how much money I can generate, I want to have my voice heard and become visible…but not like this. Let me go back to that mysterious jail cell and get her. My bright, sweet, hard working, perfectionistic self. Let me lovingly take her hand and lead her out of the prison into the clean, fresh air and streaming sunshine. Let me show her the flowers, the trees shimmering with light in the gentle breeze, and let her hear the birds singing. There is another way to do this. To do all of this. My father’s fear, my mother’s rebellion, the rules my siblings and I adopted and remind each other of on a regular basis, my teachers from years gone by, and Mrs. D. Poor, angry, tight Mrs. D. projecting her rage, her excruciating judgments, and life of 24/7 personal imprisonment onto me…God bless them all. I want to gently bless each one, and quietly slip out of the suffocating, cellophane wrapping of expectations that I agreed to wear on their behalf, or out of love and duty, or just because I thought they knew and I didn’t. I want to walk freely, easily, and deliciously into a new beginning. There is another way to do all of this. My own, personal dance with the Divine. My hand in Yours, God. Beauty surrounding us. Stepping out into the open air. I would love to dance, play, discover, explore, and create with You. A long, luxurious, refreshing breath. We shall begin again. ❤️